February 3, 2016—Day 33 (WD 314)

Sunrise Pages

Hail to a New Day, My Guides –

I’m definitely looking for some guidance into a creative flow with my Pages, my morning, and my day.  I’m in an ebb, when I’ve cycled low on my energy again, and stretching myself out to do more.  The consequence of low energy and fatigue isn’t a bad thing, necessarily – but, it is my current reality.

So, Guides – Where are we going today?  I held a heaviness yesterday.

(So, here’s some “behind-the-scenes” stuff.  I wrote that, and was told, “Let’s look at that.  Find out what the heaviness was.  And why.”

I immediately tried to rethink that idea, that direction.  Why?  Because, to go there feels revealing, and would make me vulnerable.

OK, Guides – You win!)

Ray:  I believe the heaviness is a combination of things – because life doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it’s rare that we deal with just one problem at a time.

dHarma:  Pardon the interruption, but I just want to point out – you actually usually and best manage one problem at a time.  It’s when you tell yourself you have to juggle multiple problems at the same time, that you get overwhelmed.  And a lot of balls wind up on the floor.

Ray:  Very funny.  But, you’re right; I do my clearest, strongest work when I focus on the moment, and work on one thing.  It’s when I force another thought, and another and another, that I get bogged down and get more tense and feel more struggle.

I say that , and I know that; yet, I still stretch myself and my attention, telling myself I’m missing out if all I do is write these pages in the morning, work, then type these pages at night.

Wait.  That’s not even the whole truth.  I mean, I do want some entertainment, information, and diversity in my day, so I’ll turn on the television to see the weather forecast, or get the Iowa caucus results.

But, I also do it as a type of self-sabotage.  Which is a funny notion – sabotage has a negative connotation; yet, I’m choosing it, albeit subconsciously, as a defense mechanism.

By not focusing 100%, I know it’s not my absolute best.  By being tired, I know it’s not my absolute best.  Why would I do that – right?

Because, I still get concerned that my absolute best might not be “good enough.”

dHarma:  That’s brave of you to admit.  Sounds like that is journeying into the Land of Foreboding.  You want to be deemed “good enough.”  By whom?  Some particular somebody?  Anybody?  Everybody?

You begin to think it will crush you, if you open yourself up completely and give everything, and someone declares it “not good enough.”  So, you give less that everything, hoping they will actually find that effort “good enough.”

The logic is supposed to be that you’re not risking your absolute best, so you can’t fail.

But, here’s the thing – at the end of the day, you’ll always know whether you gave it your best effort.  And, that’s what will truly matter.  Not the results, and not the opinions of others.

It’s about what you know and see about yourself.  Did you show up today?  Did you give it your best?  Were you true to yourself?

Integrity and Authenticity.

Ray:  There was a moment I had, yesterday at the register, where I had this awareness, sort of a subtle, constant weight, and vibration.  It presented the thought of not being “home” and at peace.  Not just at that moment, but most of my life.  An understanding that there was a heaviness and distracting vibration in me most of the time, from being unsettled with who I am.

I was sad, to feel that weight.  I think it could be connected with the “Regret” piece from yesterday.  Even my writing of the piece yesterday, I wasn’t wholly connected to it.

It’s like you said, dHarma.  I can see where I hold back, thinking that will protect me.  But, by always holding back, never putting my whole self into it, into anything; I forget what I might be capable of; I doubt my true strength and capacity.  It feels more “normal” and comfortable to play down and stay small and safe, than to live big and fully.

 

The themes of fear and regret are front and center in my life.  I can’t tell you how helpful it is to acknowledge that, rather than continuing to tiptoe carefully around the edges of the room, trying to avoid the massive fear and regret mounded in the center.

I need to look at it directly – admit it and accept it, in order to deal with it, move through and beyond it.  It’s a daily thing; an every moment thing.  As dHarma said, “One problem at a time.”

I think it’s time I had an open conversation about Fear and Regret.  Will you join me?  Plan to follow –

Thank you for your Honesty, dHarma!  Onward!

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